Romans is not exactly what I would call "light reading"!

In studying Romans, specifically Romans 8, 9, and 10, I have been working hard to stay true to Scripture, to comprehend what it is saying, and learn to rejoice in the Truth that it reveals. But it has been so difficult! It is so hard for me to picture God rejoicing in His wrath (Romans 9:22, Luke 19:27). If He truly desires for everyone to be saved (1 Timothy 2:3-4) and delights to show His mercy (Exodus 34:6, Micah 7:18, Matthew 9:13), then how can He also rejoice in sending His creation to hell? I have had SUCH a hard time wrestling with this portion of Scripture! I don’t want Ryan to be lost/dead in sin. That brings me such pain, you guys. To know that Ryan is blind to the Truth right now… that's not fun for me to think about. I mourn his sin (and my own) everyday and long for him to be saved and come to love Christ as his Lord and Savior.

But, God’s glory is the most important thing; whether He is glorified through Ryan’s salvation, or if He is most glorified through what I’m learning through this prayerful battle. God’s justice means that He must be wrathful (Romans 9:19-24). But if He weren’t just, He wouldn’t be God, He wouldn’t be worthy of our worship. I’m still working through this, trying to wrap my mind around all of it and learn to rejoice in this part of God’s character. Obviously, I’m not quite ready to rejoice in it yet. I can worship Him in that, but I just can’t find joy in His wrath right now. I’m beginning to understand it mentally, but it is still so hard for me. I can’t imagine rejoicing in the fact that Ryan (and everyone else who isn’t saved) is going to be sent to hell. It’s even harder because the God that I worship and adore is the One sending him there. And it is so that I will know the riches of His glory (Romans 9:22-23). I deserve hell! Why would God save some, but not others? Why me and not Ryan? I know that it is to display His glory, but how does He choose? Do my prayers for Ryan mean anything? Will he ever be saved? Can I really influence God in that way, like Abraham did in Genesis 18? Or is this just a way to teach me more about God’s character? (ß Not that that’s a bad thing! That’s awesome, and I am so thankful to be learning so much about God and His character. It is just so painful to think that Ryan wouldn’t be saved through this!)

I’m trying to trust God’s sovereignty in this, and I’m trying so hard to learn to be okay with His plan, no matter how different His plan is from mine. Even if that means that Ryan is never saved, but is instead sent to hell to remain separated from God forever. That is SO unbelievably hard for me to accept. Just the thought of Ryan being sent to hell is so upsetting to me.

But that is the God that we serve. This is His character. It is laid out for us plainly in His Holy Word. This is Scripture, and it cannot be ignored. I am going to serve and worship God- ALL of God. Not just the parts of Him that are easy for me to accept. I just pray that God would open my mind and change my heart so that I can really continue to learn more about His character- His entire character-and that I would learn to rejoice in it.

...That I may declare it boldly, as I should...

Recently, I’ve been struggling to reconcile the command to tell others boldly about Christ, what He is doing in my life, and how the Gospel is true and powerful in my life (Ephesians 6:20, 1 Thessalonians 2:2, Romans 1:16, 1 Corinthians 10:31, Colossians 4:5-6) with the command to pray/do good in secret (Matthew 6:1-6).

I have been striving to speak boldly about God’s power and sovereignty in my life, to live affected and transformed the Gospel. That is why I have asked so many people to partner with me in praying for Ryan. I want God to be glorified through this. God has been teaching me so much and has been moving in such powerful ways- it would just be wrong to keep it all to myself. How would He be glorified through that? I need to proclaim the Gospel boldly- not just Christ crucified, but also what Christ is continuing to do! The Gospel is not dead! Why do I live like it is? Why do I act like I serve a dead, uninvolved God? He loves us like children (1 John 3:1)! Do we live like that? Do we really believe and hope that God will answer our prayers? Do I pray boldly? Or do I ask for the small things, not wanting to dream too big for God? God wants us to be bold, to be confident (Hebrews 4:16)! The apostles, the prophets, even Jesus Himself- they were not timid men. They boldly proclaimed God’s Name. Scripture was constantly on their lips and in their hearts (Luke 6:45, Romans 10:8). Is that true of me?

The habit I have gotten in to now, however, is simply blogging about it. I don’t often talk about it. I need to speak!! (Romans 10:14, 17). Please hold me accountable in that!

But then there’s also the issue of the command to pray in secret. I also need to be sure that my motive is pure. This is something that I usually try to be very cautious of; I want to be sure that my actions are coming from a pure heart that desires the glory of God, not my own glory. But that is hard to do sometimes! I want others to see Christ through me, not see me. But does that mean that I should keep all of this to myself due to the fear of falling into pride? NO! Friends- I have come to realize that is the Enemy trying to convince me to stay silent. He doesn’t want me boldly declaring what my God has done in my life! Because that is powerful. When people see how God is actively working, they might be interested in learning more.

The point Jesus is making in Matthew is that our actions should stem from a desire to please and glorify God, not man. If I am praying and acting like a “good Christian” to impress my friends- that is not pleasing to God. He desires my heart, not just my reputation. My actions should be genuine. Would I do them if no one were watching? Or do I do them because people are watching? Whose glory am I working for?

Under Pressure

“It is God who justifies.” –Romans 8:33

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” –Romans 8:37-39

“’Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord of Hosts.” –Zechariah 4:6

In reading through these passages of Scripture, I have been so humbled. I understand the doctrine of grace, but sometimes, I just don’t live in light of it. I try to earn things by God- like I can be “righteous” enough to earn His favor! I am still a sinner! With out the atoning blood of Christ- I am nothing! I am separated from God; unclean; a vessel of wrath; a child of darkness; I am lost. But I still get stuck in the mindset of having to “earn” things with God. I think, If I’m a good Christian, then maybe God will answer my prayers. Maybe He will reward me for “good behavior.” How ridiculous is that?

And yet- I have been doing this as I pray for Ryan’s salvation. I catch myself thinking, If I just pray long enough, often enough, hard enough- then God has to save him. Like God owes ME something! Sometimes, I really need to learn to view myself in light of Ecclesiastes 5:2- “God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few.” God knows everything. He has planned everything. Nothing happens that He doesn’t know about, and consent to (Hebrews 2:6-8). He already knows how all this is going to turn out. He knows if Ryan will be saved. I don’t, but I need to be confident in God’s sovereignty, in His omnipotence. He knows what is best.

Not only that, but if Ryan will be saved one day, Scripture tells us that nothing can separate him from the love of Christ! Nothing can separate any of us from the love of Christ! Scripture also tells us that it is God alone that saves. We can see both of these points illustrated in the Scripture quoted at the beginning of my post. So Ryan’s salvation (and my own) doesn’t depend on how badly I want it, how often I pray for it, how many people are praying for it- those are all wonderful things; but those are not what will be responsible for someone’s salvation. It is definitely Biblical and good for us to be praying for the unsaved, to surround them with the prayer of many believers; but we are ultimately saved by God’s grace, not the works of man (Ephesians 2:8-9). It is not my prayers that will save Ryan. It is the God who hears those prayers who will save Him. To Him be the glory. Not me.

Praying according to Scripture

God has been teaching me a lot these past few weeks as I have been praying for the hockey team (specifically for Ryan).

In praying for their salvation, I started out praying that God would protect them. I just wanted God to keep them safe and happy. Then I read 1 Corinthians 5:5- "You are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, SO THAT his spirit will be saved in the day of the Lord." At IV chapter retreat we also talked about the prodigal son, and how he didn't return until the famine hit, and "he began to be in need." (Luke 15:14). If I truly love them and want them to be saved- I should also be praying that they would suffer SO THAT they would be led to Christ. How many testimonies involve someone having so much success that realized that God must exist? There aren't that many! Most testimonies that I have heard involve a time of suffering.

Don't get me wrong- success is not bad at all! One thing I have been praying for is that God would be with Ryan, that He would give him amazing hockey skills and be able to use that one day as a ministry. And God answered that prayer! Ryan got a hat trick on Saturday at the game against GW (that's means he scored 3 goals in a single game...he actually scored all 3 goals in the third period, but w/e...), and he was also named Rookie player of the year for the colonial division. That is the God that we serve! He is powerful!

Which is why it is SO scary for me to pray that God would do WHATEVER it takes to lead Ryan (and the rest of the team) to salvation. He just might answer me! What if Ryan loses some one close to him? What if he suffers an injury or illness? What if he actually does have to suffer? That just breaks my heart! But if that is what it takes for him to come to know Christ, to receive God's mercy- then I pray earnestly that God would do it.

I know that this was really hard for me to wrestle with. But, in investigating Scripture, I can't argue with it. Our only hope if for Christ to be glorified. So that must be my prayer. Not for Ryan's happiness- but for his salvation. Anyway, just wanted to share that with you as you all continue to pray for the team.

God's sovereignty in my prayer life

“Go; let it be done for you as you have believed” (Matthew 8:13). “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well” (Matthew 9:22). “According to your faith be it done to you” (Matthew 9:29).

I am reading through the Bible in a year, and got to read these passages earlier this week. In reading these verses from Matthew, I was convicted of how much faith I have, and what that faith should be in. I have been trying to apply these verses to my prayer life in particular. Scripture tells us that whatever we ask in Jesus’ name, He will do (John 14:13); but that in NO way means that He is obligated to us. It simply means that whatever we ask that is in agreement with His will, He will do. He knows what is good, what is just, and He will bring it to pass. We are stuck living in sin, so we cannot always do what is good. It’s frustrating, but true.

In trying to apply this to my prayer life, I first had to answer one essential question: was I supposed to have faith that God would answer me, or have faith that he was able to answer me? Upon further examination of Scripture, it has become abundantly clear that I must believe and have full assurance of God’s ability to answer my prayers; He is all-powerful, and can do anything! His arm is not too short to save (Isaiah 59:1), and He delights in us because we are his children (Zephaniah 3:17, 1 John 3:1). However, He is not obligated to answer me. He is God; I am merely His creation (Ecclesiastes 5:2). He is in NO way obligated to do anything for me! And that is such good news. Seriously you guys- if God had given me everything that I asked for in my prayers, I wouldn’t have had to rely on Him nearly as much, and I wouldn’t have learned much about Him. I would have only treated Him like my own personal cosmic vending machine. I wouldn’t have gotten to develop a personal relationship with the Creator of the Universe.

Birthday Blessings!

I am SO amazingly spoiled by my Dad. God gave me the BEST birthday presents this year. No lie. He never ceases to amaze me. This year though, God really out did Himself, and made this my best birthday ever.

This year I have been yearning to serve a particular group of people here at CNU, and God definitely opened a door for me. We’ve been trying to set different things up for the past few weeks, and things just never really fell into place- until tonight. I was able to make them dinner, which was SO awesome! I was so excited to finally be able to serve them and show them the love of Christ in a practical way. It was so great to finally be able to meet some of the guys I had been praying for! I pray that through this (and hopefully more service opportunities in the future!) will allow these guys to really see and experience the love of Christ, and start asking more questions about it.

So, as if I wasn’t excited enough about that answer to prayer, I also found out last night that one guy that I have been praying for recently (he’s not a Christian….yet) decided to go to the Campus Crusade meeting here on campus! Cru is currently doing a series on “Answering the Tough Questions;” they are answering common questions, like why Christianity is the only true religion, etc. So this guy went with some friends to check it out! I’m so overjoyed that he is open to exploring Christianity and learning more about what we believe!

THEN, as if that wasn’t ENOUGH, God gave me MORE! He blesses me SO abundantly. I had an amazing small group Wednesday night, and we spent over an hour discussing one verse from Proverbs 31. It was so intense and amazing. I was able to have such solid conversations with people today, and I have just been so encouraged by that. George Boomer came to speak at IV tonight, and his message just really hit home with me. He was talking about Nehemiah, and went through chapters 1 and 2. I can’t even begin to summarize all the stuff that he said, but it was like he was speaking directly to me! It was definitely what I needed to hear. Encouraging, for sure.

AND FINALLY- I have been praying for this guy that I had Organic Chemistry lab with last semester; his name is Casey. I wasn’t sure if he was a Christian or not, but I just really felt the desire to pray for him- either that he would come to know the Lord, or that he would grow closer to God and learn to follow Him with reckless abandonment. So, I’m at IV tonight, singing worship songs, and I glance behind me- and Casey is standing there. He had been studying, but he heard the music and came up to investigate. I went over to say hello and ask if he needed someone to sit with. We talked for a bit, and he ended up staying for the whole thing. He said he plans on coming back next week, and he might even join a small group! When we were talking he said it was really encouraging to find a group like IV on campus and he was thinking about checking out Cru, too. :D

Seriously, you guys. We serve a BIG God. He knew that I needed some encouragement. And man, did He deliver. If you’ve read any of my earlier posts, you know that God has burdened me to pray for a lot of guys who are lost right now and don’t really know the Lord. I have really been convicted by the parable of the Persistent Widow that is found in Luke 18:1-8. Jesus tells us this parable so that we will know that we “ought always to pray and not lose heart.” I was beginning to lose heart because I had been praying for these guys and trying to minister to them, and satan just kept blocking me at every opportunity it seemed. I wasn’t seeing any results. And then today happened. These were just the big things God did today- I can’t even begin to list the little things He did throughout the day. Let me just encourage you- we serve a powerful, sovereign God. He is mighty to save. For real. He loves us. He knows us: when we sit, when we rise, even the number of hairs on our heads. He knows us better than we know ourselves! And He knows exactly how and when to encourage us. Isn’t that so comforting?

How God's been changing my view of prayer....a brief synopsis....

This semester, God has been radically changing my prayer life. It has been awesome! Challenging, frustrating, humbling, eye-opening- but awesome! He has shown me SOO much about what prayer should look like. By really studying Scripture and what God says about HOW we should pray and WHY we should pray, I have really started to experience prayer the way God wants me to. He has been teaching me how to pray in faith, with confidence, and what that faith and confidence is based on. I have learned a lot about prayer by learning more about whom I am praying to.

In the past month, my prayer life has been consumed with one thing in particular. God has blessed me abundantly with a consuming burden to pray with specificity (but not exclusivity). I continue to pray for other things and people, to be sure! But I do think that God has put one thing on my heart to pray for, and I have definitely been praying for that thing constantly.

This desire to pray has opened my eyes to so many truths! I have really begun to investigate more about the doctrine of salvation and election, and what role prayer has in that. How effective are our prayers? If God already has a plan, what is my prayer really doing? In Luke 18, we see through the parable of the persistent widow that God definitely desires for us to “pray and not lose heart.” (Luke 18:1). So, we should pray because God wants us to. We take it for granted so often, but have you ever stopped to really think about prayer? We get to talk- with God. The Creator of the Universe. We (the creation) get to talk, anytime we want to, with the Creator. He WANTS us to talk to Him. We’re not annoying Him. He desires constant prayer and communication with us (1 Thessalonians 5:17)! Not only does He want to talk to us, He also wants to know what is on our hearts. He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).

Not only do we get to communicate with God at all times, but He has also let us participate in His plan. We get to pray for people and things, not in hopes of changing His mind, but because that is sometimes the only way we can really effectively participate in His plan. There are countless times in the Old Testament where God has stated his wrath against a city, but they pray and fast, and they are spared! He spares Ninevah (Jonah), Lot and his family (Genesis 18-19), the Jews in the story of Esther (Esther), and the list goes on and one. In some of these stories, particularly Genesis 18-19, it can seem like we are ”changing God’s mind.” But we know that God does not change his mind (Got Questions article explanation). Sometimes, that is simply the best way we can understand something.

So I pray for something, not hoping that God is going to give me everything I want. I pray knowing that I am privileged to be able to participate in God’s plan for my life and the lives of others. God knows what is best, and I must pray with full confidence in His ability to answer prayer, but also with full assurance that He will answer in justice and wisdom. It might be painful for me, and I won’t always get what I want. But I know God’s character; I know that His glory MUST be the most important things; all other things come second.

We were all equally separated from Christ...

While praying for the hockey team, I have really started to read through Scripture passages that focus specifically on God’s grace through salvation. One of the first places I went was Ephesians 2. Beth and I had gone through this passage last year, and it really opened my eyes to some hard Scriptural truths. Going back through these passages, different things started to stand out to me. I was able to see God’s sovereignty, His grace, and His mercy. But what struck me this time in particular was the obvious message that we were once all sinners. ALL of us. We were ALL separated from God, and in His mercy, he rescued us from our sin. And this is “not of your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9). Paul asserts the same thing in his letter to the Corinthians (1 Corinthians 6:9-11). But God has washed us clean; he has redeemed us by the blood of Christ. He is the only thing that was able to save us from remaining dead in our sin. That is so powerful.

But I still find it so easy to think that He can only save certain people. He is only a God that is sovereign and can save those that already kind of follow Biblical principles. But, when it comes to people who indulge in sin- He is powerless to save them. THAT IS SO WRONG! God can save ANYONE. As David so eloquently said on Thursday, “We were all equally separated from Christ.” We are either saved by grace, or separated from God (Romans 8:9-11). There’s no middle ground; one person isn’t more separated from God than another. So why would I doubt God’s ability to save anyone? He was able to save me, and I was just as lost as anybody. Ephesians tells us to recall how we were once separated from Christ, “having no hope and without God in the world” (vs. 12) “But now in Christ Jesus you who were once far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.” (vs. 13). “So then, you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God.” (vs. 19).

God is sovereign. He is the only one that can lead someone to salvation (Romans 8:31-35, Ephesians 2:8). And He is able to lead anyone to salvation. When He calls, He calls effectively. Yet I continue to doubt His ability. As I pray for the hockey team, I am discouraged as I hear about the sin that they struggle with. I doubt God’s ability to save them. I fear that they are just too sinful for God to redeem. How ridiculous is that? The God of the universe, who died for the sins of the world- not able to save? That isn’t possible! So why do I have such a hard time accepting His ability to show grace? After God has shown me endless mercy and redemption, I still struggle to believe that He can do anything. What seems impossible (to us) is possible with God. I need to start living like that, praying like that. How powerful would prayer be if we really believed God could do half the stuff we ask Him to do?

Please pray that God would enable me to pray boldly and approach His throne with confidence (Hebrews 4:16), that I would not lose heart (2 Corinthians 4:1, 16), but that I would pray for the hockey team with persistence and in faith (Luke 18:1-8, Matthew 8:13, 9:22,29). I pray that the hockey team would come to know the Lord, and that He would save them from their sin and “delight to show them mercy” (Micah 7:18).

The Persistent Widow

Since coming to college, I have been learning a lot about God’s character and power. My beliefs have been challenged, and I’ve been forced to really examine what Scripture says about God. Growing up, I went to a church that didn’t talk about the power of the Spirit very much. We would acknowledge the Holy Spirit as part of the Trinity, but no one really mentioned how the Spirit was working in their lives. Once I got to college, however, I was able to not only hear others talk about the Spirit, but I was able to see the Spirit at work in their lives. It completely transformed the way I view the Holy Spirit! It is just as powerful and essential as the other two members of the Trinity!

In the past few weeks, I have been experiencing the Holy Spirit more than ever before. It has been such an amazing way to experience God. I have been able to learn so much about God’s character because His Spirit has enabled me. Not only have I been able to see God’s character clearly displayed through out Scripture, I have been able to experience Scripture and see its truths clearly displayed in life. It has been so amazing.

One passage that particular resonates with me is Luke 18:1-8. In this passage, Jesus tells a parable about a persistent widow. The first verse says that Jesus “told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart” (Luke 18:1). This widow petitions a judge day and night for justice, and eventually he gives in. Jesus points out that if an unrighteous judge can distribute justice, then God certainly will give justice to those who “cry to him day and night” (Luke 18:6). This parable really hit home with me. I have really felt a burden to pray for the hockey team recently, and for one player in particular. And when I say that I have felt a burden to pray, I mean that some nights, I can’t sleep because I keep waking up, praying that these men will be led to salvation. They are constantly in my prayers. I can almost tangibly feel the Spirit groaning within me, besieging the Father to save these guys! (Romans 8:26) I’m humbly learning to pray with out ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17), and it is such an awesome (and difficult) lesson.

But I am SO grateful that God has given me this burden! I am so unworthy to be praying for someone to be saved, yet he has enabled me to identify with the persistent widow that he mentions in this parable! What a blessing! God really does spoil me. I pray that God would answer my prayer, that he would hear me crying out to him day and night, like the widow. However, one thing was particularly challenging for me with this passage: the widow was crying out for justice; I was crying out for mercy. Can the two be interchangeable?

After struggling with this passage for almost a week now, I suddenly realized the obvious a few days ago. I was reading through the parable again, and stopped at the first verse. That was the key! The first verse says that Jesus “told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart” (Luke 18:1) DUH. The point of the parable was not to only seek justice, and pray about only that continually. Jesus gives us the purpose before he even gives us the parable! The point was to pray continually, and not lose heart. Pray for ANYTHING. But he wants us to be in constant communication with Him! That is the most important thing. He isn’t guaranteeing that He is going to answer my prayers if I bother Him about it enough. He promises to listen to me when I am so passionate about something that it is all I can talk about, when I CRY OUT to Him DAY and NIGHT. He wants us to pray boldly, and to believe in Him, to know that He is faithful and that He hears our cries. So we must not lose heart. We must trust that God is looking out for our best interests (Romans 8:28). He is sovereign. But He graciously allows us to participate in His plan by praying for someone. How great is that?!

Welcome to the blog!

Recently, God has blessed me abundantly with the conviction and desire to pray for the hockey team. At first, I thought I was simply going to be learning how to pray with more conviction and begin to understand how to “pray constantly” like Scripture instructs us to. God has definitely been teaching me more about prayer, but He has also thrown open the floodgates of Scripture and has begun to open my eyes to many Biblical truths as I’ve been wrestling in prayer for the team. So I’ve decided to start a blog about it. J I invite you to join me as I continue to learn more about Christ through this prayerful battle for the hockey team. He has taught me such powerful truths about His character in such a short period of time, and I am so grateful that my understanding of Him has been able to grow so much in such a short period of time. I pray that He would continue to stretch me and grow me, no matter how difficult it is sometimes.

I will try to update the blog on a fairly regular basis, sharing what God has taught me through Scripture, through worship, or just ways I have seen His mighty hand at work. My hope and prayer is that God would be glorified through this. I long for His Name to be glorified through the salvation of the hockey team; but even if none of them come to know Him as their Savior, I pray that He would be glorified through the truths He has been revealing about Himself as I struggle through praying for their salvation.