In studying Romans, specifically Romans 8, 9, and 10, I have been working hard to stay true to Scripture, to comprehend what it is saying, and learn to rejoice in the Truth that it reveals. But it has been so difficult! It is so hard for me to picture God rejoicing in His wrath (Romans 9:22, Luke 19:27). If He truly desires for everyone to be saved (1 Timothy 2:3-4) and delights to show His mercy (Exodus 34:6, Micah 7:18, Matthew 9:13), then how can He also rejoice in sending His creation to hell? I have had SUCH a hard time wrestling with this portion of Scripture! I don’t want Ryan to be lost/dead in sin. That brings me such pain, you guys. To know that Ryan is blind to the Truth right now… that's not fun for me to think about. I mourn his sin (and my own) everyday and long for him to be saved and come to love Christ as his Lord and Savior.
But, God’s glory is the most important thing; whether He is glorified through Ryan’s salvation, or if He is most glorified through what I’m learning through this prayerful battle. God’s justice means that He must be wrathful (Romans 9:19-24). But if He weren’t just, He wouldn’t be God, He wouldn’t be worthy of our worship. I’m still working through this, trying to wrap my mind around all of it and learn to rejoice in this part of God’s character. Obviously, I’m not quite ready to rejoice in it yet. I can worship Him in that, but I just can’t find joy in His wrath right now. I’m beginning to understand it mentally, but it is still so hard for me. I can’t imagine rejoicing in the fact that Ryan (and everyone else who isn’t saved) is going to be sent to hell. It’s even harder because the God that I worship and adore is the One sending him there. And it is so that I will know the riches of His glory (Romans 9:22-23). I deserve hell! Why would God save some, but not others? Why me and not Ryan? I know that it is to display His glory, but how does He choose? Do my prayers for Ryan mean anything? Will he ever be saved? Can I really influence God in that way, like Abraham did in Genesis 18? Or is this just a way to teach me more about God’s character? (ß Not that that’s a bad thing! That’s awesome, and I am so thankful to be learning so much about God and His character. It is just so painful to think that Ryan wouldn’t be saved through this!)
I’m trying to trust God’s sovereignty in this, and I’m trying so hard to learn to be okay with His plan, no matter how different His plan is from mine. Even if that means that Ryan is never saved, but is instead sent to hell to remain separated from God forever. That is SO unbelievably hard for me to accept. Just the thought of Ryan being sent to hell is so upsetting to me.
But that is the God that we serve. This is His character. It is laid out for us plainly in His Holy Word. This is Scripture, and it cannot be ignored. I am going to serve and worship God- ALL of God. Not just the parts of Him that are easy for me to accept. I just pray that God would open my mind and change my heart so that I can really continue to learn more about His character- His entire character-and that I would learn to rejoice in it.
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